Jokes

[J0' 2]

A young man asks his granny:

have u seen my pills, the ones i left on the table? They were labeled "exxtasy"...

Granny: fuck the pills , man..have u seen the dragon in the kitchen???

[Varuna 2]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and

placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen

whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know that we had a choice."

[Varuna 2]

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district

[J0' 2]

Matt came home from a business convention very drunk one night. He slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and immediately fell into a deep, deep slumber. After a while he awoke in front of the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this Matt, but you died in your sleep."

 

Matt was devastated, and begged for a second chance, pleading that he had a young wife and baby and couldn't bear to be parted from them. St Peter looked sympathetic but shook his head: "It can't be done Matt. The only opening I've got in the next 100 years near your family is as a chicken on the local farm."

 

Matt readily agreed to this and the next thing he knew, he was in a yard, covered in feathers and clucking as he pecked the ground. Suddenly he had a strange feeling inside him and he called out to the nearest chicken to him:

[J0' 2]

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.

After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

 

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

 

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

 

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

 

"See that?" said the trucker.

 

The man said, "Yeah."

 

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

 

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

[Anonymus Kline 2]

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" bartender says no. Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bar tender says no. Duck walks out.

Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.

Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bartender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

 

----

 

 

Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.

 

"What is your name?" he asked.

 

"Quack." the duck answered.

 

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

 

"I was stepping on bubbles." he answered.

 

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.

 

"What's your name?" he asked.

 

"Quack," the duck answered.

 

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

 

"I was stepping on bubbles." the duck replied.

 

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.

 

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.

 

"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

 

----

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says,"Hey Mr Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"

"That's right!" says the landlord

The duck looks confused. "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"

 

----

 

Saving the best for last: :blink:

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

 

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

 

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

 

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

[Laura1985 0]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

 

Sitting at a caf

[Varuna 2]

One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to

check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going

at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as

Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on

little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the

dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the

hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny replied,

'It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it?!'

Editat Decembrie 13, 2007 de Varuna

[fitzroy 31]

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district

[J0' 2]

One day a lawyer was driving down the road and came to a stop sign, he slowed down, looked both way, and saw no one coming so he kept going. Well a cop pulled him over, and the lawyer, thinking he could outsmart this cop, decided to argue.Cop goes up to him and tells him he ran a stop sign and needed to see license and registration. Lawyer replies that there were noone coming, so there was no harm. Cop says it's a stop sign you're supposed to stop, license and registration please. Well lawyer tells the cop if he can him the legal difference between slowing down and stopping he'll let him see his license and registration. Cop told him it was a deal and told him to get out of the car, starts beating the crap out of him with his nightstick and asks him would he rather him slow down or stop?