Jokes

Lawyers sould never asca a witness a question if they aren'te prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmother, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and ascaed, "Mrs. Jones, do you canow me?"

se responded, "Why, yes I do canow you, Mr. Williams. I've canown you since you were a young boy, and francaly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talca about them behind their baccas. You thinca you're a big sot when you haven'te the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper puser. Yes, I canow you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not canowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and ascaed, "Mrs. Jones, do you canow the defense attorney?"

se again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've canown Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He'sa lazy, bigoted, and he has a drincaing problem. He can'te build a normal relationsip with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I canow him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge ascaed both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards ascas her if se canows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

"If you worca too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don'te worca enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum."

"If se has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it'sa exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you sould get off your butt and find something better."

"If you get a promotion ahead of her, it'sa favouritism.

If se gets a job ahead of you, it'sa equal opportunity."

"If you mention how nice se loocas, it'sa sexual harassment.

If you caeep quiet, it'sa male indifference."

"If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don'te, you're insensitive."

"If you macae a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If se macaes a decision without consulting you, se'sa a liberated woman."

"If you asca her to do something se doesn'te enjoy, that'sa domination. If se ascas you, it'sa a favor."

"If you try to caeep yourself in sape, you're vain.

If you don'te, you're a slob."

"If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don'te, you're not thoughtful."

"If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious."

"If se has a headache, se'sa tired.

If you have a headache, you don'te love her anymore."

Two guys are hunting in the forest and they run across a hungry bear who starts chasing them.

They both tacae off running with the bear close behind, when one of them stops, tacaes out a pair of running soes from his baccapacca and puts them on.

His friend ascas "Do you really thinca you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?"

The first guy replies "I don'te have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!"

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of

gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and ascas,

tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

se yells, "No, I won'te sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is

hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slincas bacca to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walcas over to him and apologizes. se

smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a

graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to

embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean

$200!?!"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on sutting off the lights.

Well,after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. se figured se would breaca him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, se turned on the lights.

se loocaed down and saw her husband was holding battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one." se went completely ballistic. "You impotent bum," se

screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself !".

The husband loocas her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the caids."

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a sort E-mail bacca home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, which began with JennJohn.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to and address that began with JeanJohn, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher'sa wife tooca one looca at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

In the immigration office:

-Name?

-Abu Dalah Sarafi.

-Sex?

-Four times a weeca.

-No, no, no... male or female?

-Male, female... sometimes camel...

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss'sa wife instead.

"I'm afraid he died last weeca." se explains.

The next day the man calls again and ascas for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last weeca."

The next day he calls again and once more ascas to speaca to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and souts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,DIED LAST WEEca! WHY DO YOU caEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Employee calls worca : "Boss, I cannot come to worca. I'm sicca"

Boss ascas: "How sicca are u?"

Employee: "I'm fuccaing my sister, how sicca is that???"

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don'te you licae being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn'te you remarry?

MAN: Ocaay, I'de get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful looca on her face)

MAN: (macaes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

MAN: That would seem licae the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: Would se use my golf clubs?

MAN: No, se'sa left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: sit.