Jokes

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

> She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

> Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

> Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

> Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

> And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

> ;

>

> WOMEN'S REVENGE

> "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding

> items the woman wished to

> purchase.

> As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote

> control for a television

> set in her purse.

> "So, do you always carry your TV remot e?" I asked.

> "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come

> shop ping with me,

> and I figured this was the most evil thing I could

> do to him legally."

>

> UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

> (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

> I know I'm not going to understand women.

> I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot

> wax,

> pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by

> the root,

> and still be afraid of a spider.

>

> MARRIAGE SEMINAR

> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with

> communication,

> Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

> "It is essential that husbands and wives know each

> other's likes and

> dislikes."

> He addressed the man,

> "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

> Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and

> whispered, "It's

> Pillsbury, isn't it?

>

> CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

> A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down

> the aisles.

> The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can

> help him.

> He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons

> for his wife.

> She directs him down the correct aisle.

> A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of

> cotton

> balls and a ball of string on the counter.

> She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking

> for some tampons for

> your wife?

> He answers, " You see, it's like this,

> yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a

> cart on of cigarettes,

> and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some

> rolling

> papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

> So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so

> does she.

> ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

>

>

> WIFE VS. HUSBAND

> A couple drove down a country road for several

> miles, not saying a word. <

> BR>An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

> neither of them wanted to concede their position.

> As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

>

> the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

>

> W O R D S

> A husband read an article to his wife about how many

> words women use a

> day...

> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

> The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we

> have to repeat everything

> to men...

> The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

> "What?"

>

> CREATION < BR>A man said to his wife one day,

"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time?"

> " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

> God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

> God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

>

> The Silent Treatment

> A man and his wife were having some problems at home

> and were giving each

> other the silent treatm ent. Suddenly, the man

> realized that the next day,

> he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an

> early morning business

> flight.

> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence

> (and LOSE), he wrote on a

> piece of paper,

> "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he

> knew she would find it.

> The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover

> it was 9:00 AM

> and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about

> to go and

> see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed

> a piece of paper by

> the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

>

> God may have created man before woman,

> but there is always a rough draft before the

> masterpiece.

>

>

> SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN

> YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

cool

Funny :P

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

When they go, they take your house and car.

A blonde at the grocery store: - I would like 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes and 4 onions - I can help you with the tomatoes and the potatoes, but not with the onions... - Ok... than I'll have 2 tomatoes, 2 potatoes and 2 onions - I see you don't understand me: I have tomatoes, I have potatoes, but I have no onions - I see... than I'll have a tomato, a potato and an onion - Ok, let's do this the other way around. If you take the "mato" out of the "tomato", what do you have? - Aaaa... "to"? - Right, and if you take the "tato" out of the "potato", what do you have? - Aaaa... "po"? - Excellent, and if you take the "fuck" out of the "onion", what do you have? - Aaaa... aaa... but there is no "fuck" in "onion" - Exactly, there is no fuckin' onion! =))

Let's learn how to speak womanese

DICTIONARY FOR WOMAN

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

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An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

*********************************************************************************************************************

Things you'll never hear

8 things you'll never hear a man say:

8) Here honey, you use the remote.

7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too

big.

6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you'll never hear a woman say :

8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being

'just friends'

4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure

out how to get there.

2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a

designer dress.

1) Hey, pull my finger!

****************************************************************************

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the

attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said,

"No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks

...anyone can!"

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen.

Your file was so big.

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

The Website you seek

Cannot be located, but

Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

Program aborting:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand-dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Exhausted and overworked, Santa Claus has decided to convert to Judaism to lessen his workload and decrease his stress.Mr. Claus's first inkling that Judaism was his new intended path was when he was unloading one particularly heavy bag of gifts and muttered "Oy, Oy, Oy!" instead of "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

Santa took this as divine inspiration and began some serious reflection on the matter.Mr. Claus sat down at his computer desk at the North Pole and itemized the benefits of bringing toys to Jewish children.Most obvious, was that there were many less children to service, approximately only 3,000,000 Jewish children, as opposed to almost 500,000,000 Christian children.The next obvious benefit was that he had eight days of Hanukkah to deliver all of these gifts instead of jamming the entire shipment into one night, which constantly required the already weary Santa to travel at the speed of light to accomplish the task.

Finally, the straw that broke the reindeer's back was the realization that Jewish households had far more delicious cuisine to offer Gefilte fish, chicken soup, blintzes, knishes and the like are more palatable than the milk and cookies he got bored with just after the second century.

Circumcision won't be necessary for Santa, because that's already been taken care of in a freak accident involving frostbite after getting stuck in a tight chimney.

Santa has left the frigid, brutal confines of the North Pole and has begun his toy shop anew in the sunny climes of Miami Beach , Florida. He has fired all of those annoying elves and replaced them with nice

Jewish retirees from New York . Or Known now as Senta Klatz

Ode to The English Plural

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

we find that quicksand can work slowly,

boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig

is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

in which your house can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and

in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?