Jokes

Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." ;)

The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and

Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously

taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in

the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!

Get Swearing

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fekkin' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,

- Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?

-There's something wrong with my dick, he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,

-You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that.

-Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said. The receptionist replied,

-You've! obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. The man replied,

-You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,

-Yes?

-There's something wrong with my ear, he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

-And what is wrong with your ear, sir?

-I can't pee out of it, the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

A blonde was walking around in an intersection holding an A4-format sheet of paper.

The police comes and the policeman asks her: "What are you doing?"

The blonde says: "Can't you see? I'm driving an A4!"

#1:

Q: How can you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: You put a flashlight in her ear.

#2:

Three women (a blonde, a red-head and a brunette) were lost in the desert.

While walking around, one of them finds a lamp (the kind alladin found :flowers:), and she starts rubbing it.

Then a pink-ish smoke came out of it, and a genie appeared!

"Because you have found me, I shall grant you three wishes!" he said.

The woman choses to share the wishes with her companions, so that each of them gets one wish.

The brunette goes first: "I wish I was home right now!", and *poof!* she dissapears.

Then the red-head: "I want to go home too!" and she dissapears.

Then the blonde sais: "I'm all alone :flowers:... I wish my two friends were here! "

#3:

"So one day I came home, and my beautiful blonde wife came towards me, with a huge smile on her face!

She started jumping around in joy. I didn't know why she acted like this, but hell, I started jumping with her. Then I asked what was going on.

"I have some GREAT news!" she said. "I'm pregnant!!".

We've been trying to have a baby for months, and after hearing this I was so happy!

"Wait!! There's MORE!!" she said. "We're going to have TWINS!"

I couldn't believe it.

To satisfy my curiosity, I asked her how she could tell so early.

She said: "Well, I bought two pregnancy tests, and they BOTH came out positive!"

True story...

Q:why do midgets laugh while playing soccer?

A: because the grass tickles their balls

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush has just bombed the Canary Islands.

Turkey is next....

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that the there is a spare seat in between himself and the next guy.

"Who would ever miss the World Cup final?" Asks the man.

"That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away." Explains the guy.

"That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend or someone else to come with you?" Asks the man.

"No.....They are all at the funeral!"

A dog looks at its owner and thinks "You feed me, care for me, and love me...you must be a god!"

A cat looks at its owner and thinks "You feed me, care for me, and love me...I must be a god!"

:flowers: