Actual writings on charts in a Mpumalanga (RSA) hospital.
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with B only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she" was very hot in bed last night".
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 59-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
A smile a day. keeps the "gynie" away...
Zen Guide to Life by Maharishi Fattifatbastard
"" Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
"" The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
"" The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
"" Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
"" Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
"" Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
"" Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
"" Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
"" If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
"" Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
"" If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
"" Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
"" Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
"" If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
"" Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
"" Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
"" Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
"" The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
"" A closed mouth gathers no feet.
"" There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
"" Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
"" Never miss a good chance to shut up.
"" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
"" When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
"" The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you don' t need to know.
