Jokes

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:

I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:

You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:

She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:

And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:

No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:

Really?

INSTEAD OF:

You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:

Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:

I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:

It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING:

That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:

What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:

I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:

This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:

I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:

Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:

He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:

He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:

Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:

Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:

So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:

F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:

I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:

Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:

I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:

This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:

You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:

Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:

He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:

He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources

Three sons left home, started careers and prospered. Getting back

together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give their

elderly mother for her seventieth birthday. The first said, "I built a

big house for Mom."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom

enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a

brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a

monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000

a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the

chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks:

She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is not

practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean

the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay

home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so

rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have

the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was

delicious.

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph,

the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and

says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a

divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've

been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover

than you are."

Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up as his anger increases.

"I want the house," she insists, pressing her luck.

Again the husband speeds up, to eighty mph.

She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.

By now he's up to ninety mph.

"All right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit

cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.

This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anythin g you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," she says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband

smiles and says, "The airbag."

Women's Friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there

no comment.

Employees' Rules & Regulations...

It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your

salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we

assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a

raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,

so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and

therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a

strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three

minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall

door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company

bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so

that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to

maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time

needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,

aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,

consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

8) ce misto ;) :P

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

> these

> exchanges were actually taking place.

>

> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

> ______________________________

> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

> WITNESS: July 18th.

> ATTORNEY: What year?

> WITNESS: Every year.

> _____________________________________

> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> WITNESS: I forget.

> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

> _____________________________________

> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

> WITNESS: Forty-five years.

> _____________________________________

> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

> WITNESS: My name is Susan.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

> WITNESS: We both do.

> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

> WITNESS: We do.

> ATTORNEY: You do?

> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> ___________________________________

> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

> _______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> WITNESS: Uh....

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

> WITNESS: Yes.

> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> WITNESS: None.

> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> WITNESS: By death.

> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

> notice which I sent to your attorney?

> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

> people?

> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

> WITNESS: Oral.

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

> autopsy on him!

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> WITNESS: Huh?

> ______________________________________

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

> pulse?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

> began the autopsy?

> WITNESS: No.

> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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So funny! Stupid lawyer(s).

At a certain moment I head the same question in my head that the witness put.

Have they really passed the bar exam? :)