Bancuri

Alinuta: De ce fuge mama in zig-zag, tata?

Tatal: Taci si adu niste gloante!

Alinuta: Ai vazut ce ochi are fetita vecinei noastre?

Tata: Da, foarte frumosi! Dar de ce intrebi?

Alinuta: Uite-i!

Alinuta: Mama, mi-am rupt un deget!

Mama: Saraca de tine! Unde l-ai rupt?

Alinuta: In ochii lui Gigel!

Alinuta lipseste 3 zile de la scoala. Cand vine o intreaba invatatoarea:

De ce nu ai venit la scoala?

A: A murit mama!

I: Cum a murit?

A: A batut un cui in perete si s-a lovit cu ciocanul peste deget.

I: Bine, bine, dar nu se moare din asta.

A: Se chinuia prea mult si tatei i s-a facut mila de ea si-a impuscat-o.

- Alinuta, te-ai spalat astazi pe dinti?!

- Nu, tata!

- Dar ai cui sunt dintii de pe jos!?

Cica ii spune fica mamii:

-mama, sunt insarcinata!!!

-pai mai fato mai, de ce nu ai luat masuri asa cum ti-am spus??

-pai am luat mai mama! 20 centimetri lungime si 7 grosime!!! :D

Why Men make better friends than women..

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her

husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his

wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that

he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's

10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and

two claimed that he was still there.

Un moşneag stătea

Două blonde călătoresc cu trenul.

intrusul

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question:-

Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy man wearing huge army shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-

No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-

Is! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:-

Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-

Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:-

Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:-

No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa eat pineapple or not. You bet I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-

Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-

No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:-

Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-

No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a friend asks...

Stupid Question:-

Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-

Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

cica erau doi mosi pe o banca, si vine o tipa tanara la ei, se apropie de unul si ii spune ceva la ureche dupa care pleaca...Celalalt il intreaba:

-Ce ti-a spus tipa???

-pai m-a intrebat daca vreau sa ma culc cu ea.

-si tu ce i-ai spus?

-am spus ca nu pt. ca nu imi este somn...

Un cuplu era in vacanta in Pakistan. La un moment dat, fiind la cumparaturi, au intrat intr-un mic magazin de sandale. Din interior au auzit pe cineva cu accent pakistanez zicand :

- Strainilor ! Va rog, intrati ! Poftiti in umila mea pravalie !

Cei doi au ascultat indemnul. Pakistanezul le spuse :

- Am niste sandale speciale de care voi doi sunt sigur ca ati fi interesati. Cu ele se poate face sex salbatic, cum face o mare camila a desertului.

Sotia era fascinata de relatarea pakistanezului, dar sotul ei simtea ca nu are nevoie neaparata de ele, considerandu-se un maestru al sexului,asa incat il intreaba pe vanzator :

- Cum ar putea niste sandale sa imi mareasca potenta ?

Pakistanezul a replicat :

- De ce nu le incerci si vezi de unul singur ?

Ei bine sotul, dupa ce s-a certat un pic cu sotia lui, s-a hotarat in cele din urma sa le incerce. Imediat ce si le-a pus in picioare, privirea lui a devenit salbatica. Era ceva ce sotia lui nu mai vazuse de multi ani -putere sexuala pura. Cat ai clipi din ochi, sotul l-a impins pe pakistanez, l-a aruncat pe masa si a inceput sa traga de pantalonii tipului.

In tot acest timp pakistanezul zbiera :

- LE-AI PUS INVERS ! LE-AI PUS INVERS!!

Domnule doctor, impotenta te ia asa, dintr-odata?

Nu... Mai intai te lasa sa te faci de ras de vreo 2-3 ori...

Mama catre Maria :

-Marie, ce ai facut cu Ion in gradina timp de o ora in seara asta?

-Nu stiu cum se cheama, da' de acuma inainte va fi noul meu hobby.

Vine Bula la scoala cu o buza umflata. Profesoara il intreaba:

- Ce-ai patit Bula?

- E, am fost cu tata la pescuit si mi s-a asezat o viespe pe buza.

- Vaaai, saracul de tine! Si te-a intepat?

- Nu, n-a apucat: a omorat-o tata cu vasla...