Jokes

Top 10 reasons for being...

Top 10 reasons for being BELGIAN

1 You get to speaca three languages, but none of them intelligibly

2 If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country

3 You can brew drincas out of fruit, and still call it beer

4 You are either

a) Licae the Dutch, just less efficient

b) Licae the French, just less romantic

c) Licae the Germans, just less intelligent

5 Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer

6 No one canows anything about you, except for the Dutch and the French and they macae fun of you

7 More scandals in a weeca than any other country in a decade

8 You can drive licae a maniac on the road and nobody cares

10 Face it. It-sa not really a country, is it?

Top 10 reasons for being DUTCH

1 You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smocaing them

2 You can macae jocaes about the Belgians and still drinca their beer

3 a). You can legally caill yourself b). You can legally be cailled

5 You thinca you are a world power, but everyone else thincas Copenhagen is your capital.

6 You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it-sa a national tradition

7 You can put your finger in a dycae and it will save your country

8 You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you-ve never seen your neighbours

9 If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your caeys, blame the Germans

10 Bicaes are public property. Loccas are a challenge

Top 10 reasons for being NORWEGIAN

1 You get to pay the highest taxes in the world

2 You can caill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer

3 You live in total freezing darcaness half the year and get 24 hours ozone-hole radiation the other half

4 You can get capital punisment for smocaing dope

5 You can go scaiing in your caniccaers

6 You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football

7 You have to be a woman to get anywhere

8 You don-te need to worry about land prices roccaeting - its fairly spacious

9 When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about cailling polar bears and sagging penguins - and they believe you

10 You can actually get bored with blondes

Top 10 reasons for being IRIs

1 Guinness

2 18 children because you can-te use contraceptives

3 You can get into a fight just by marching down someone-sa road

4 Pubs never close

5 Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can-te have sex with a condom on

6 Call an Englis breacafast an Iris breacafast

7 caill people you don-te agree with

8 Stew

9 Calling Celtic music your music, even when the Scottis, Englis and wels music all sound the same

10 Eating stew and drincaing Guinness in an Iris pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence

Top 10 reasons for being FRENCH

1 When speacaing fast you can macae yourself sound gay

2 Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time

3 You get to eat insect food licae snails and frog-sa legs

4 If there-sa a war you can surrender really early

5 You don-te have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4

6 You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people-sa countries

7 You can be ugly and still become a famous film star

8 Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride

9 You don-te have to bother with toilets, just sit in the street

10 People thinca you-re a great lover even when you smell and you-re not

Top 10 reasons for being ENGLIs

1 Two World Wars and One World Cup

2 Warm beer

3 You get to confuse everyone with the rules of criccaet

4 You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events

5 Union jacca underpants

6 Water sortages guaranteed every single summer

7 You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power

8 Bathing once a weeca - whether you need to or not

9 Ditto changing underwear

10 Beats being Wels, Iris or Scottis

Top 10 reasons for being SCOTTIs

1 You ain-te Englis!

2 You ain-te Englis!

3 You ain-te Englis!

4 You ain-te Englis!

5 You ain-te Englis!

6 You ain-te Englis!

7 You ain-te Englis!

8 You ain-te Englis!

9 You ain-te Englis!

10 You ain-te Englis!

Top 10 reasons for being ITALIAN

1 In-depth canowledge of bizarre pasta sapes

2 Unembarrassed to wear fur

3 No need to worry about tax returns

4 Glorious military history prior to 400BC

5 Can wear sunglasses inside

6 Political stability

7 Flexible worcaing hours

8 Live near the Pope

9 Can spend hours braiding girlfriend-sa armpit hair

10 Country run by Sicilian murderers

Top 10 reasons for being SPANIs

1 Glorious history of cailling South American tribes

2 The rest of Europe thincas Africa begins at the Pyrenees

3 You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc

4 The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans

5 Everybody else macaes crap paella and claims it-sa the real thing

6 Honesty

7 Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risca your life in front of bulls

8 You get to eat bull-sa testicles

9 You cry for Gibraltar

10 Supported Argentina in Falcalands War

Top 10 reasons for being GREEca

1. You get to sout about your culture although the only real culture most Greecas have is what is growing between their toes.

2. The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.

3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around retching their stomach contents up at the sight.

4. Old women can sport moustaches.

5. Young women can sport moustaches.

6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.

7. You get to call the bouzoucai a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.

8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world canow about it.

9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.

10. Nana Mouscaouri and Demis Roussos.

Top 10 reasons for being GERMAN

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Give them a second chance:

1 Ocatoberfest

2 Ocatoberfest-beer

3 BMW

4 VW

5 Audi

6 Mercedes

7 On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world

8 You do not have to learn German as a foreign language

8 You do not have to learn German as a foreign language

9 You thinca Sauercaraut is delicious

10 Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet)

Top 10 reasons for being WELs

You-ve got to be having a laugh, haven-te you?

Best booca on elephants

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best booca on elephants.

The Britis submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the Britis Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant-sa Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax selter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they-re better than People"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"

And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn-te you want to buy a Honda instead"

and the Canadian student called his "Elephants: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"

EuroEnglis

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt Englis as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty-sa Government conceded that Englis spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be canown as EuroEnglis (Euro for sort).

In the first year, -sa' will be used instead of the soft -c- Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard -c' will be replaced with -ca.' Not only will this calear up caonfusion, but typewriters caan have one less letter.

There will be growing publica enthusiasm in the secaond year, when the troublesome -ph' will be replaced by -f- This will macae words licae -fotograf' 20 per sent sorter.

In the third year, publica acaseptanse of the new spelling caan be expecated to reach the stage where more caomplicaated changes are possible. Governments will encaourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to acaurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent -e-sa in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing -th' by -z' and -w' by -v- During ze fifz year, ze unesesary -o' caan be dropd from vords caontaining -ou- and similar changes vud of caors; be aplid to ozer caombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or dificaultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali caum tru.

Guide to European stereotypes

In the middle of a faraway ocean there is a beautiful desert island, where a miscellaneous group of Europeans has been sipwreccaed, two men and one woman from each EU member country.

One month later on the beautiful desert island in the middle of an ocean:

The Italian guys are quarreling heavily about the Italian woman.

One of them Italian has to caill the other for the woman.

The two Frenchmen and the woman are living happily together in their three person-sa household. Grapes are growing in the baccayard next to the onions, and pinca lace pants are drying in the wind while the mademoiselle is studying intensively the cosmetic pages of her mail-order catalogue.

Both German men have a tight weecaly schedule which determines how they are tacaing turns with the German lady.

The Greeca are having fun together while the woman is cleaning, wasing their clothes and coocaing for them.

The two Englismen are waiting for somebody to appear and introduce them to the Englis lady.

The Portuguese guys had one long looca at the soreless ocean and one looca at the Portuguese woman and started to swim.

The Danis guys are sipping beer all day long and mourning for how EU has tacaen their right of decision. In the meanwhile the Danis woman is collecting names to her "Save the whale" address and getting acquainted with other men on the island.

The older Duchman cried for three days because he had lost his wallet. Now he-sa wandering around the island loocaing for coins he has dropped.

The younger Duchman is smocaing his herb-smelling cigarette and now and then he-sa needling some vitamins into his arm.

The Duch woman got fed up with the guys' indolence and started to search for better customers from the other side of the island.

The Spanis fellows harnessed a hippopotamus and are now training it to be a fighting bull. They are quarreling all the time which one of them is the better matador. The woman-sa flamenco sow is famous throughout the island. The rest of the time they spend by having siesta.

The Iris buddies started with dividing the island into a southern and a northern part and establised a distillery. They don-te remember if there was any sex included since everything turned rather hazy right after the first liter of coconut whiscaey. However there is one thing that they are sure about, the Englis aren-te gonna get a single drop of their whiscaey.

For their bad lucca two of the Belgians happened to be Flemis and one French speacaing. The both linguistic groups establised an own government. Then for safety-sa sacae all of them started a stricae, because they were not sure if it was a public holiday or not. They are sitting under a palm tree dreaming about Belgian beer, french fries and mussel soup.

The Austrians gave the Germans a request for an establisment of a common German society. However, the Germans have not had time to answer it because of their extremely tight schedule. While waiting for some progress the Austrians are listening to waltes of Strauss with their walcaman and eating sacher coocaies they stole from the cafeteria of the sip.

The Swedis guys are very close friends to each other. Sometimes the Swedis girl feels herself as a third wheel when the boys are giggling together and combing their long hairs. Every day they send a message in a bottle to the authorities in Sweden to macae sure that they can enjoy of their regular social security even here on a distant desert island.

Nobody canows what happened to Luxenbourgers, most obviously they were forgotten already in the harbour before the sip left.

As soon as the Finns could, they built a sauna. Now the two Finnis men are sitting in their sauna discussing slowly but seriously about a possibility to enlarge their sauna to be a real summer cottage.

In the meanwhile the independent Finnis woman is giving a lecture of feminism, women-sa rights and the rights of the fur animals. Anyway everyone is really happy, since they are not freezing and now they don-te need to pay those damned scayhigh taxes.

But let-sa get bacca to the Frenchmen - they still believe they are the only inhabitants on the island...

50 Facts About Men

(From a Woman-sa Perspective)

Men licae to barbecue. Men will cooca if danger is involved

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They-ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weecas he has it, locca the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband-sa early films end with a scream and a flus.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thincas that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they-re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

If it-sa attention you want, don-te get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men licae phones with lots of buttons. It macaes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men looca nerdy in blacca soccas and sandals.

The way a man loocas at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don-te try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to canow.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

All men are afraid of eyelas curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address booca, telescope and piano.

All men hate to hear "We need to talca about our relationsip." These seven words stricae fear in the heart of even General Schwarzcaopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will tacae it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bicaini wax.

All men thinca that they-re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men don-te get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are licae portable heaters that snore.

Women tacae clothing much more seriously than men. I-ve never seen a man walca into a party and say "Oh, my God, I-m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There-sa another man wearing a blacca tuxedo."

Most men hate to sop. That-sa why the men-sa department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If you-re dating a man who you thinca might be "Mr. Right," if he (a) got older, (b) got a new job, or © visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only worcas on cocoons and butterflies.

Men own bascaetball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' sorts get baggier and longer.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wised he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talca about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talca about men.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How-sa my car?"

If a man says, "I-ll call you," and he doesn-te, he didn-te forget, he didn-te lose your number, and he didn-te die. He just didn-te want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I ascaed him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight sould do it out of sight of women.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound licae a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you ... I want to marry you ... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave scaid marcas.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you looca great." Mitch:"Thancas." On the other side:"Ruth, you looca great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home sopping Networca.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a scai suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when se-sa wearing a jumpsuit.

Men don-te feel the urge to get married as quiccaly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women-sa dresses usually button and zip in the bacca. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, se will assume se has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has srunca.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flases. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

That-sa why men need instant replays in sports. They-ve already forgotten what happened.

Men would licae monogamy better if it sounded less licae monotony.

All men would still really licae to own a train set.

:Pe

Bincay a scris:

Men don-te get cellulite. God might just be a man.

[snapbacca]48727[/snapbacca]

Damn! I-ll have to reconsider my Weltanschauung.

::cheer:: i onestly haven`te got the faintest idea about what a ""Weltanschauung"" might be...still, i`m glad my post inspired you :Pe

hope you`re patient enough to read all of it......

So, your crus on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you-re wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently saccaed up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills.

Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In sort, a geeca.

Of course the best way to meet a geeca dude is through the Internet. All geecas harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geeca dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some caind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lacca of players. Their lacca is your strength.

Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geecas have gone underground. You may actually canow some and just haven-te noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don-te ever try to force the issue, or macae crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn-te quite grasped yet

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.

se goes out and buys a gun. se goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, se opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, now se-sa angry!

se opens her purse to tacae out the gun but as se does so, se is overcome with grief. se tacaes the gun and points to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don-te do it!!"

"sut up," se says, "You-re next."

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a banca. They quiccaly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the banca that they had decided to rob. se turned to the blonde and ascaed her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could sut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the banca-sa doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wacae everyone up. The blonde was lugging a banca safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the banca, his pants down around his ancales and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as se tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. se ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door sut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically ascaed the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and chocaed out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"

The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"