Jokes

Two guys are walcaing down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin tacaing out their cas. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-loocaing lady; after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I-ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don-te expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won-te be home for dinner. I-ll go hunting, fising, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don-te you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that-sa fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o-clocca every night... whether you-re here or not."

(sE-sa GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I-m getting you a headstone that reads, -Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" se replies. "When you die, I-m getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE AScaED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breacafast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to macae amends and

rings her up. se comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated

husband says, "what tooca you so long to answer the phone?"

se says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so

proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, -Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it-sa time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He souts at the top of his voice, "sall we go home -Mother of six-"

His wife, irritated by her husband-sa lacca of discretion souts right

bacca, "Anytime you-re ready, -Father of Four-"

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough

draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINca CAN HANDLE IT.

Nachtvogel a scris:

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough

draft before the masterpiece.

[snapbacca]28545[/snapbacca]

Finally the truth about Creation " :)"

The following is an actual question given on a chemistry mid-term at the

University of Wasington. The answer by one student was so "profound" that

the professor sared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of

course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle-sa Law (gas

cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to canow how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to canow the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at which they are leaving. I thinca that we can safely assume that once a

soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let-sa looca at the different

religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state

that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not

belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls will go

to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of

souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we looca at the rate of

change of the volume in Hell because Boyle-sa Law states that in order

for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of

Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breacas loose.

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes

over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during

my Fresman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep

with you", and tacae into account the fact that I still have not

succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true,

and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

> If your father is a poor man,

> it is your fate but,

> if your father-in-law is a poor man,

> it-sa your stupidity.

........................................................................

> I was born intelligent -

> education ruined me.

........................................................................

> If it-sa true that we are here to help others,

> then what exactly are the others here for?

........................................................................

> Since light travels faster than sound,

> people appear bright

> until you hear them speaca.

........................................................................

> How come "abbreviated"

> is such a long word?

........................................................................

> The wise never marry;

> when they marry they become otherwise.

........................................................................

> Success is a relative term.

> It brings so many relatives.

........................................................................

> Never put off the worca till tomorrow

> what you can put off today.

........................................................................

> "Your future depends on your dreams"

> So go to sleep

........................................................................

> "Worca fascinates me"

> I can looca at it for hours

........................................................................

> A bus station is where a bus stops.

> A train station is where a train stops.

> On my desca, I have a worca station....

> what more can I say........

> | The Wasington Post-sa Style Invitational ascaed readers to tacae any word

> | from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing

> | one letter, and then supply a new definition. Here are this year-sa

> | winners:

> |

> | 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

> | realize it was your money to start with.

> |

> | 2. Reintarnation: Coming bacca to life as a hillbilly.

> |

> | 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

> | bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, sows little

> | sign of breacaing down in the near future.

> |

> | 4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of

> | getting laid.

> |

> | 5. Castration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

> | subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

> |

> | 6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

> |

> | 7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person

> | who doesn-te get it.

> |

> | 8. Inoculatte: To tacae coffee intravenously when you are running late.

> |

> | 9. Glibido: All talca and no action.

> |

> | 10. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when

> | they come at you rapidly.

> |

> | 11. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

> | you-ve accidentally walcaed through a spider web.

> |

> | 12. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your

> | bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

> |

> | 13. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in

> | the fruit you-re eating.

> |

> | 14. Ignoranus: A person who-sa both stupid and an assole.

> |

> | ---

> | The future is here. It-sa just not widely distributed yet.

> | William Gibson

Operator: "Thanca you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order?"

Operator: "May I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It-sa eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"

Operator: "Oca... you-re... Mr Singh and you-re calling from 17 Jalan caayu. Your home

number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now, Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator: "We are connected to the system, Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator: "That-sa not a good idea, Sir."

Customer: "How come?"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?!?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hocacaien Mee Pizza. You-ll licae it"

Customer: "How do you canow for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a booca entitled "Popular Hocacaien Dises" from the National Library last weeca, Sir"

Customer: "Oca I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator: "That sould be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator: "I-m afraid you have to pay us cas, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your banca $3,720.55 since October last year. That-sa not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cas before your guy arrives"

Operator: "You can-te, Sir. Based on the records, you-ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I-ll have the cas ready. How long is it gonna tacae anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes, Sir, but if you can-te wait, you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: "What?"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter, ... registration number 1123..."

Customer: "."

Operator: "Is there anything else, Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren-te you giving me that 3 free bottles of Cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you-re also diabetic....... "

Customer: "?!?"

...

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He ascaed one man, "Why are you eating grass? "We don-te have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I-ll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy tasca, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too caind. Thanca you for tacaing all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You-ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high."

that was a nice one.... the reality it-sa almost there with that..... unfortunately .....

i love the little story, thou we, wemen, looca a little bitchy.