jokes that are not actually funny

OBJECTIVE

To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED

1) Girl with bra

2) Two functional hands

3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES

1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"

2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:

1) "I really want to thank you for this."

2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."

3) "Do you have any cereal?"

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

COMPETITIVE SALARY

Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"

We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"

You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"

Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"

Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"

We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"

Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"

If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"

This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"

Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"

This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"

You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"

Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.

How many IBM employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around.

-- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.

-- Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.

-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.

-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.

-- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.

-- You refer to college students as "those kids."

-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.

-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.

-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.

-- Naps are no longer weekday options.

-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.

-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.

-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"

The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It's like, 'You want some tequila?' 'No, dude, the last time I had that....' It doesn't happen with anything else. 'Do you want some jelly beans?' 'No. The last time I had jelly beans, I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the mall. Seriously, dude, I can't even smell the black ones. Just get them out of here.'

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

A: So the other one could drive.