Bancuri

Iepurasul face o fapta buna si primeste cadou 50 de oua. Extrem de bucuros incepe sa-si frece palmele:

Hi hi hi hi hi, o sa-mi fac o omleta din 50 de oua si o sa mananc pe saturate. Hei da' ia stai. De unde sa iau o tigaie atat de mare. Gata, stiu, ma duc la urs ca el trebuie sa aiba.

Merge el ce merge si se opreste: Ia stai putin, ca daca ma duc la urs o sa vrea si el din ouale mele. Ei, asta e, trebuie sa-i dau. O sa-i dau si lui 10 oua.

Mai merge putin si se opreste iar: Dar daca nu-i ajung 10 si vrea mai multe? ei, o sa-i dau 20 ca el e mara si mie oricum imi ajung.

Dupa un timp se opreste din nou: Si daca-mi cere 30? ca el e mare si se satura greu. Ei lasa ca mie imi ajung si 20 ca sunt mic.

Iar merge si iar se opreste: Dar daca mancaul ala de urs vrea 40, ce fac? Imi ajung mie 10 oua? Hai ca imi ajung, ca la cat sunt eu de mic ma satur repede. Si pleaca multumit mai departe.

Ajunge la usa ursului, bate, si apoi ramane ca trasnit.

-Dar daca ursul le vrea pe toate? Daca imi trage una peste fata si imi ia si ouale? Ce pot eu sa fac ca sunt mic si nu pot sa ma apar. Si raman si fara oua si ma aleg si cu o bataie.

In clipa asta se deschide usa si apare ursul.

iepurasul se uita la el furios si ii spune:

Ia mai du-te dracu' ursule cu tigaia ta cu tot.

A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: "Are they twins ?"

Puzzled the woman replies: "No, one is 3 years old and the other is 10.Why do you ask ?"

The man replies: "No particular reason, I just cant believe someone f***d you twice"

- Daca v-am jignit, am savurat-o.

- Dvs. reusiti sa faceti pe cineva sa aprecieze linistea.

- Fiecare trebuie sa existe, dar de ce tocmai Dvs.?

- Am avut o seara foarte placuta. N-a fost seara asta, dar nu ma vait.

- S-a sinucis candva cineva din familia Dvs.? Nu? Cum ar fi?

- Eu nu uit niciodata un chip, dar in cazul Dvs. o sa fac o exceptie...

- Nu, eu nu aud rau...va ignor numai.

- Sunteti intr-adevar un argument convingator pt. paturi separate.

- Tu ai arata foarte bine in ceva lung, curgator...Amazon, Nil, Dunare...

Se duce una la doctor sa isi faca niste analize. Si nu a avut timp sa se duca sa si le ia. Si il trimite pe barbatu-su. Se duce asta ii spune doctorului si el il intreaba: - Cum o cheama pe sotia dumneavoastra? - Elena Popescu Se uita asta si erau doua cu acelasi nume. Una bolnava de diabet si alta de sida. Cum sa faca? Ce sa-I spuna? S-a gindit un pic si i-a spus - Du-te acasa, ia doua ciocolate mari si da-i-le sa le manance. Daca nu moare, sa nu o f*ti!

bai..nesimtire, dedicatiile astea pastreaza-le pentru tine!Mai bine fa ceva util..si termina cu prostiile!

- Aicea-i gurita aia scumpa, rosie...Aici s

De-ale doctorilor

- D-le doctor, cum a murit Ion?

- Nu stim inca. Tot ce stim este ca la autopsie s-a zbatut mult....

Ce s-a intamplat cu mine? - bolborosea un tip, revenindu-si dupa o operatie

chirurgicala.

- Ati nimerit intr-un accident rutier si a ti fost operat.

- Inseamna cu sunt in spital?

- In mare parte, da...

In sala de operatie (chirurgul catre asistent):

- Anestezie.

- De-a noastra sau de import?

- De import.

- De import s-a terminat.

- Atunci de-a noastra.

- Nani, nani...

Domnule doctor, zise femeia disperata, ati uitat ca de trei minute stau cu

limba scoasa?

- N-am uitat, dar vreau sa scriu reteta in liniste.

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Intr-un bar doi unguri si un roman, primul ungur catre al doilea:

- Stii care-i diferenta dintre un roman si o nuca de cocos?

- Nu.

- Nuca iti ofera tot timpul ceva de baut pe cand romanul niciodata.

La care romanul de alaturi:

- Nu te supara, vrei ceva de baut?

Ungurul:

- Mi-ar placea...

- Atunci du-te si cumpara-ti o nuca de cocos

Ce ti-e cu tehnologia asta moderna, zise un calator din compartiment. Am vazut un documentar italian pe Discovery, unde arata ca la sapte dimineata intra cireada de vite pe poarta abatorului, si la sapte seara, ieseau pe poarta containerele cu conserve ...

- Ehei, dar in Japonia, la sase dimineata intra pe poarta camionul cu nisip, iar la ora 13, iese vagonul cu microprocesoarele pe baza de siliciu.

- Vax, zice Bula, uite, in orasul nostru, cam pe la 9 au inceput sa toarne fundatia la fabrica de bere si spirt, iar pe la 10 toti erau beti morti!

Un politist urca in taxi (pe bancheta din spate ca orice om civilizat). Langa el, o maimuta.

Domnule taximetrist, ce faceti cu maimuta asta, ai?

Stiti, d-le politist, va arat.

Taximetristul opreste masina ia maimuta, o da cu capul de bord de cateva ori, maimuta ii descheie pantalonii si incepe "PROCEDURA ORALA".

Ati vazut d-le politist? Vreti si dumneavoastra? La care politistu`: DA, DA` SA NU MA DAI CU CAPU` DE BORD! :)))))))))))

Here are 100 sayings to test your knowledge of English.

1. Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone

2. Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around

3. Confucius say, baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk

4. Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it

5. Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left

6. Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house

7. Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night

8. Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it

9. Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants

10. Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient

11. Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly

12. Confucius say, better to be pissed off than pissed on

13. Confucius say, man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long

14. Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week

15. Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent

16. Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts

17. Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired

18. Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted

19. Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist

20. Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level

21. Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel

22. Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck

23. Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot

24. Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy

25. Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts

26. Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy

27. Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people

28. Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean

29. Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok

30. Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand

31. Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab

32. Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better

33. Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts

34. Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders

35. Confucius say, man who live in glass house, should change in basement

36. Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face

37. Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot

38. Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew

39. Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up

40. Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion

41. Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic

42. Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny

43. Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ

44. Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit

45. Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground

46. Confucius say, woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit

47. Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth

48. Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag

49. Confucius say, man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face

50. Confucius say, girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town

51. Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts

52. Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy

53. Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam

54. Confucius say, learn to masturbate - come in handy

55. Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip

56. Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge

57. Confucius say, waitress who sit on lepper's lap, keep tip

58. Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose

59. Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef

60. Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn

61. Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard

62. Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard

63. Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle

64. Confucius say, OK for shit to happen - will decompose

65. Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache

66. Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands

67. Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk

68. Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there

69. Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point

70. Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker

71. Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring

72. Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water

73. Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself

74. Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

75. Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have

76. Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump

77. Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all

78. Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night

79. Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke

80. Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet

81. Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back

82. Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service

83. Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick

84. Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more

85. Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack

86. Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick

87. Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face

88. Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock

89. Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self

90. Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self

91. Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor

92. Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose

93. Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink

94. Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod

95. Confucius say, man who fuck in cemetery may end up fucking dead

96. Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money

97. Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time

98. Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money

99. Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed

100. Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers

Copilul