Agony Aunt

after your advice, i can say that i trust you enough to tell you where i live.. i'm a 25 years ol' lady, that has a small house in the western part of Tuvalu. I live with my parents, my brothers, my cousins and my grandparents.. i have a nice garden, where i have to keep an eye on my 10 little piggys, and my 5 goats. in my country, all women have moustache, but we hide it every day under a nice layer of goat milk

i can't quit on my love, i dream about him all day and night. i even decided to bath more often, like once per month, only for him. please, please, tell what to do, i'm desperate.. :think:

yours trully, Anita Goatsheet

Dear Anita,

I'm not sure I'm familiar with customs and traditions in that Tuvalu of yours; as a matter of fact I'd have a hard time finding in on the map. But I am glad to see that there is still a place on this earth where the dichotomies man/woman or boyfriend/girlfriend is totally irrelevant. I still don't know if that... thing you fell in love with is a dude or a chick. But maybe you should stop covering your moustache, especially when you meet "him". "He" must see that you are not afraid (or ashamed or downright disgusted, like you should be) to show who you are, that you love "him" so much that there won't be any lies between the two of you. I hope you got cable there, cause seeing an American soap opera would definitely makes this so much clearer for you and you would know exactly what I'm talking about...

So, be brave, my Tuvalian or something friend! Love is out there, leave the goat milk behind and go get it!

Yours truly,

AA.

oh, my goat's spirit, there's no man on earth that would make me leave the sweet goat milk.. i've already made a huge sacrifice for him, by bathing once per month... it's already too much.

regarding to the moustache, i think that it would tickle him, if a ever get to kiss him, so, i still need it covered.

come again, what exactely is that thing called cable? :think:

yours truly, AG

Dear agony aunt,

I have followed your advice and the situation stands like that: my parents threw me out, I have no place to stay anymore, now I'm typing from an i-cafe (my last few money :think: ), I'm starving to death and I'm still pregnant. I wish I was dead, maybe a truck will pass by and ease my situation.

Yours sincerely,

Agatha.

dear not_even_my_parents_care_enough_for_me_to_end_my_pathetic_life

have you considered a career in prostitution? there is moeny to be made plus you get to meet all kinds of interesting people and if you end up with a foreign pimp you may see fascinating new countries too thus broadening your culture not just making a living. since you are already pregnant you are no stranger to sex so it shouldn't be hard to start. your age is an advantage as we all know there are a lot of sickos out there just waiting to get their grubby hands on some fresh meet.

as for the kid, you can always use him for begging. exploit the little bastard, after all you are his mother and have every right.

yours trully agony uncle

Dear Agony Aunt,

I have thought a long time before writing you, but I truly have no one to turn to, as my parents hate me and I have no friends. You are my last hope. My name is Augustus Theobald and I am currently studying Philosophy and Computers (yes, I am taking two degrees). I have been dating this girl, Matilda, for three months now. She is my first girlfriend and I love her very much (it's not like I haven't tried before, but in highschool, all girls avoided me... well, unless they wanted my homework, anyway). But lately, I felt she has grown somehow cold towards me. Knowing of course that communication is the key to all problems, I have approached her on this... with the result that she now wants to split up! She told me that same ugly N-word, and said that normally she wouldn't have gone out with me if I had been the last man on Earth, but she dated me because no one else wanted to date her... that is until now, when she has been courted by this new Mormon student on campus. She says she loves him and gets along well with his three other wives and is planning on marrying him and moving to Utah. Dear Agony Aunt, I am desperate. I really love Matilda and... do you think I am such a bad option for a date? I am attaching a picture. Please help me get her back!

Yours truly, forever grateful,

Augustus Theobald

1. Dear Miss Goatsheet,

cable is something like that rope you walk your goats around with, except it's made of wires and the outer layer is usually plastic or rubber. And this cable - you're not gonna believe it, but let's just say it's magic cause I don't have the mental strength to explain it all to you - gets attached to a tv set (some box, doesn't really matter) and through it you can watch other people doing stuff; it's also about manipulating the masses, but this is not our issue here, sice you are not in any of the masses, you are hardly living on this planet. The soap operas are stories where people are payed to be different people, with different stories,from which we learn that love conquers all, the good guy get the girl in the end, the bad people get punished and other very odd perceptions of the world. That's about all you need to know...

As for your unexisting love affair, I have no idea how to make you actually start it. But I wish you did, since I have nothing to give advice about. This is becoming more of a look or hairstyling issue than a love issue, so I suggest you go and ask him out one of these days.

Yours truly,

AA

2. Dear Augustus,

sending me that picture wasn't very wise, but I will try to focus.

Have you heard about that "if you love somebody, set them free" crap? Well, this is gonna be hard but I want you to believe it. You guys are so much alike; she dated you cause nobody else wanted to date her, now you have been dumped and nobody is likely to date you either. Also, she preffers a relatioship that offers the opportunity to spend her life next to other three women. Tell me you didn't think about that in the shower, at least once... So, if you really love her, wherever she goes a part of you will be there with her. Sounds kinda kinky, doesn't it?... I knew you're gonna love this...

Yours truly,

AA

Dear Agony Aunt,

I want to thank you so much for your advice. Yes, you were right about that thinking in the shower part :cry: and telling me that wherever Matilda, my love goes, a part of me goes with her... You sure know how to make your faithful readers realise where the right path lays for them. Seeing that my love didn't want to talk to me, I have stepped on my pride (I didn't have too much of that, anyway) and approached the Mormon student. I have explained him my situation, how I can't live without Matilda and gave a brief mention of that shower thoughts. I realise I have been full of religious prejudice (a thing we are taught in Philosophy class is not good) - he really is a kind man and wanted to help me. We are currently raising funds on campus and he also wrote a letter back home in Utah to get support from the Mormon community: in two months I am scheduled for gender-changing surgery. The doctor assured me I will be well on my feet in time for a double wedding ceremony - I will become the Mormon's fifth wife (he insists that since he proposed to Matilda first, she will be the fourth). I am currently taking afternoon classes with him, learning on their ways of life and... other such. This has really bonded me with Matilda more than ever.

Thank you, again and again,

your grateful

Augustus (soon to be Augusta)

PS: I'll make sure to send you a wedding invitation.

Dear soon-to-be-Augusta,

that is one wedding I don't wanna miss! I am kinda scared to turn you down, too, since you are in a much more delicate state of mind than you were before... and I know better than to mess with nerds who wanna turn into Mormon wives, so... count me in! I could help you choose your wedding dress, shoes, flowers... but spare me of the "other such", if you care about my sanity.

I wish you an easy sex swap!

Yours truly awed,

AA

Dear Agony Aunt,

I've seen the way you write back reader's problems and I have to say that I truly admire you. THat's what inspired me and gave me courage to share my intimate problems with you.

Of course, I hope you'll answer to me the same way you did to others.

Ok, let's start... I'm 25 five years old and I am a virgin. I never had a boyfriend and I'm scared to have one. My parents taught me, since I was a child that boys are demons and they take away good girls soul and afterwards, we go to hell, because we have no soul. I also heard them say that I'm too ugly and too stupid to really make a man fall in love with me, but other people that I asked told me that I'm normal and really nice.

The funny thing is that now, well... I kind of like this guy, from work. But I'm scared. What if he makes me burn in hell?! :cry:

I've also attached a photo with me so you can tell me your opinion regarding my looks. :(

Yours sincerely,

Ursula Crispy.