jokes that are not actually funny

Beethoven Symphonies

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a

sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for

the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave

with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then

he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being

played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a

friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece,

it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return

with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The

expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse

order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered

around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony

being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.

"He's just decomposing!"

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane as the locket sees a young man staring at her at length during a party.

After the party the woman asks: "Wear you admiring my airplane?"

Man:"No, I was admiring the landing field."

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."

Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

A: Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"