Jokes

[Dani Quinn 23]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

;

 

 

> WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding

items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remot e?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come

shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

 

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot

wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

 

 

> MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and

whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can

help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons

for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of

cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

> He answers, " You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a cart on of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

 

 

> WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several

miles, not saying a word.

BR>An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

> W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

> 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

> The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

> The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

> "What?"

 

 

> CREATION

< BR>A man said to his wife one day,

"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time?"

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

>

 

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatm ent. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover

it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

>

> God may have created man before woman,

> but there is always a rough draft before the

> masterpiece.

[J0' 2]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

 

***

[Aedrius R.J 3543]

What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?

 

Not enough sand.

[J0' 2]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

 

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

 

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.

 

Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

 

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

 

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

 

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

 

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

 

 

 

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Grandma Goes to Court

 

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

 

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

 

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

 

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

 

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

 

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

 

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

 

Defense Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

 

Defense Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

 

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

 

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

 

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

Editat Iulie 23, 2009 de J0'

[The Unknown 15042]

The ultimate question and answer for college exam

 

 

THE THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

 

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington

chemistry mid term.

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs

heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas

cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need

to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which

they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to

Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many

souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in

the world today.

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can

project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,

we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we

look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states

that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the

volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter

Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell

breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,

then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year

that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into

account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be

true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen

over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it

follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,

extinct

[Abbie M. 6295]

I just realised that was meant to be a joke. I somehow failed to see that. It should've been physics though, instead of chemistry :P .

Editat Aprilie 6, 2010 de Finnian

[fast_motion 412]

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

 

 

 

English is really crazy

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

 

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

 

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

 

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

 

 

 

 

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?

A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

 

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

A: Paddy O'Furniture!

 

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?

A: Third grade.

 

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?

A: Knock on the hatch.

 

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?

A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Editat Mai 17, 2010 de fast_motion

[Abbie M. 6295]

I've heard those jokes about the Irish before. English bas***** .

[om serios 3]

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?

A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

 

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

A: Paddy O'Furniture!

 

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?

A: Third grade.

 

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?

A: Knock on the hatch.

 

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?

A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

 

they're not so funny nor witty,the jokes.but still,the Irish are as dum as a bucket full of hair.

[The Unknown 15042]

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

 

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

 

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

 

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

 

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

 

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

 

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

 

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked..

 

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

 

Today I saved 1600 lives.

 

Twice!!!!