Laws of Life

Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted. Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions. Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false. Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans. Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government. Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't. Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit. Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once. O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist. Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once. Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry. Murphy's 3rd Military Law: Friendly fire ain't. Murphy's 4th Military Law: The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. Murphy's 5th Military Law: The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. Murphy's 6th Military Law: The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. Murphy's 7th Military Law: The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short. Murphy's 8th Military Law: Incoming fire has the right of way. Murphy's 9th Military Law: If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush. Murphy's 10th Military Law: The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small. Murphy's 11th Military Law: If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. Murphy's 13th Military Law: The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire. Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense. Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers. Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit. Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case. Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong. Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions. Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life. Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind. Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get. Alan's Law: All things being equal, you lose.