[Sarah N....]

I read some of those or listen to someone tell them, and I don't find anything to laugh about. There's an old friend of the family who bores me with his jokes and when I don't laugh he starts explaining them to me... ever been in such situations?

And now, a delightful scene from an old movie - though the situation could be timeless:
http://www.youtube.c...h?v=QXgc5HV1CW0

[tennisgirl]

yeah,I've been in such situations,my father has the worst jokes ever,I actually laugh at how bad they are but sometimes you have to laugh at the jokes you don't like or understand,just to please others.When you're at work and your boss tells a joke you must laugh,even if you think it's stupid

[Dani Quinn]

When i'm really happy, i laugh at all the jokes, no matter how good they are

[Saharian]

We all have to fail sometimes. But there's something glorious about failing with style.

A new book, F in exams: the best test paper blunders give some great examples of exam answers from the most clueless - and inventive - of students. Some are very nearly right ("What happens to your body when taking a breath? Your chest gets bigger"), but some are very wrong indeed (Is the moon or the sun more important? The moon gives us light at night when we need it. The sun only provides light in the day when we don't.
Therefore the moon is more important). Laugh...and weep for the state of education!

1) Classical Studies
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

2) Biology
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

3) General Studies
Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could ask them.
Answer: How much TV do you watch?

4) Classical Studies
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

5) Biology
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death

6) Geography
Question: What are the Pyramids?
Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain

7) Biology
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

English
Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy?
Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.

9) Geography
Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.
Answer: Homeless

10) Religious Studies
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

11) Biology
Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this
Answer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit

12) Physics
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels
Answer: Fire

13) Geography
Question: Define the term "intensive farming".
Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.

14) Maths
Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal
Answer: 7.8

15) Geography
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

16) General Studies
Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.
Answer: 1) death 2) Reincarnation

17) History
Question: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of 1908?
Answer: Children

18) Business Studies
Question: Explain the word "wholesaler".
Answer: Someone who sells you whole items - eg, a whole cake

19) Geography
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

20) Geography
Question:What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red Seas?
Answer: The Sewage Canal

21) Geography
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

22) Maths
Question: Expand 2 (x + y)
Answer: 2 ( x + y )

23) Business Studies
Question: Assess Fashion House plc's choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren't very fashionable.

24) History
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

25) History
Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.

[Diela]

Only English language allows you to park on a driveway and drive in a parkway.

[Saharian]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Aceasta postare a fost editata de Saharian: 15 January 2009 - 10:52 AM

[Olivier Dzidzi]

U.S.A. was a part of the British Empire. Now, the americans don't take that as joke... they just don't seem to know about it.

"We're all living in America,
Co*@ C*l@, Und*rbr@"

Aceasta postare a fost editata de Aizen: 15 January 2009 - 02:30 PM

[Saharian]

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was

nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,

'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.


Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.


He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,

but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been

invented yet.



Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad

apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.



Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long

as he was Abel.


Pretty soon all of the early people died

off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.


One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,

but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a

large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked

some other people to join him, but they said they would

have to take a rain check.


After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more

famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his

birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son

named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.



Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was

Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt

and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on

Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,

bowels, and no cable.



God fed the Israel Lights every day

with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your

neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:

Humor thy father and thy mother.



One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first

Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and

the fence fell over on the town.



After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a

giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had

about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,

but that doesn't sound very wise to me.



After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then

barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league

prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.



After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the

star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.



(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying

to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would

be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')



During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like

the Pharisees and the Republicans.


Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they

named a terrible vegetable after him.



Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even

preached to some Germans on the Mount.


But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the

Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[Saharian]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for y ou?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride

[Saharian]

>By all Means... MARRY!
>
>When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
>Sacha Guitry
>
>After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
>can't face each other, but still they stay together.
>Hemant Joshi
>
>By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

>Socrates
>
>Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
>Dumas
>
>The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
>Sigmund Freud
>
>I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
>Anonymous
>
>'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
>Henny Youngman
>
>'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
>Sam Kinison
>
>'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
>James Holt McGavran
>
>'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
>second one didn't.'
> Patrick Murray
>
>Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
>1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
>2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
> Nash
>
>The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
>Anonymous
>
>You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
>Henny Youngman
>
>My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
>Rodney Dangerfield
>
>A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
>Milton Berle
>
>Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
>Anonymous
>
>A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he
>received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
>Anonymous
>
>First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
>Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'